Worthwhile

When I began teaching fifteen years ago, I was full of enthusiasm and youthful vibrance.  Deep within, either out of naivete or hope, I believed that I can make a difference. 

In the classroom, my ego was the better of me.  I was going to be one of the best lecturers in the University I was teaching in, I told myself.  My philosophy class was a realm I thought I had complete control of;  that I knew something that most of my students didn’t. 

What can I say?  I was a young teacher and was stupid. 

When someone embraces the teaching profession, he puts the student’s welfare before himself.  Young as I was, I didn’t care about compensation, nor did I give a damn about school politics.  I was just out there to do what I thought was my contribution to the world:  teach.

Fifteen years and more than 3 thousand students after, I am a tired and sad countenance trying to make sense as to whether I did make a difference or not.  I look back and ask, “Did I really do my best?  Did I really make sense to them?  Did I really matter?”

Just a few hours before this posting, I was going through some “moments”.  Of recent, I was trying to make a transition from classroom teaching to something else.  Nowadays, financial considerations are paramount and the youthful vibrance that I used to boast of has waned to a slow dance. 

This morning I looked back and saw how long the road was.  I asked myself how many of those who journeyed with me left the path enriched because of me.  I shook my head.  I didn’t want to know the obvious answer. 

Then before I went off to work, I saw the “shout out” of one of my former students in her instant messenger:  I can’t help but change a bit, but on the inside, I’m still completely the same person.  Actually, Zane (the name of my student) already pointed it out to me the previous day, but it was just this morning that it hit me like a brick on the chest.

I clicked her window and opened a conversation.

Red: zane
Red: i was thinking of what you said yesterday
Zane Rockz: po?
Red: about your shoutout
Zane Rockz: ok..what bout it po?
Red: i know that i wasnt always serious when you talk to me
Red: but allow me this one opportunity to thank you
Red: because
Red: i always felt frustrated with my students in philman
Red: i thought i wasnt making a difference anymore
Red: and it was making me extrmemely sad and tired
Red: but when you posted that shout out
Red: and told me you remembered
Red: it made me…cry
Red: because it not easy doing what i do
Red: and even harder to make a small difference in the lives of others
Red: i just want to say thank you
Red: for remembering
Zane Rockz: sorry po pinatawag kami sa taas  (i’m sorry we were called upstairs)
Zane Rockz: aun po…
Zane Rockz: yah really sir,,
Zane Rockz: seriuosly i learned a lot..
Zane Rockz: na strengthen tlga ung beliefs and philosophy ko in lyf  (my beliefs and philosophy in life was strengthened)
Zane Rockz: and i hold on to them each tym i make decisions..
Red: …… thank you

Zane Rockz: heheh.. ewan ko nga po san ko napulot ung shout out ko kahapon e (I’m not really sure where I got my shoutout yesterday)
Zane Rockz: hheh
Zane Rockz: ay ngaun pala..
Zane Rockz: hehehe..
Red: it just goes to show that you understand yourself better now than before
Red: you have experienced philosophy
Red: thanks zane
Zane Rockz: yah,,,
Zane Rockz:
Zane Rockz: I have a lot more to thank you sir
Zane Rockz: —for making a difference!
Red: i guess i’ll never know…who exactly i am affecting in a positive way..
Red: people just come and go in my classroom
Red: not saying anything
Red: laugh at my jokes
Red: at my face
Red: at the subject
Zane Rockz: hahahah..
Red: but i dont know if at the end

of the day
Red: they learned anything at all
Red: that they can actually use
Zane Rockz: its up to the students naman po talaga
Red: in their daily undertaking
Zane Rockz: eh in my case po kasi i always find a way to learn new things especially when it comes to real “LIFE”
Zane Rockz: labas lang muna kami ni karla bee sir ha..buy food
Red: sige
Red: thanks
Red: ingat

When I am tired and my idealism depletes, when I am frustrated and my patience runs thin, when I get imprisoned in a routine and lose meaning in what I do, when I think that I no longer matter and made a blunder of everything, I thank the universe for people like Zane.

They make me feel it was worthwhile.